As my time in Zambia winded down, there were many things I wanted to write, facebook statuses I wanted to post. I suspended my facebook account so I wouldn't be tempted (and so no one would accidentally give me away), carefully worded blog posts, and straight up lied to Emily. I can tell you now that it was definitely worth it to see the look of shock on her face when I walked into that room. Being off of the grid the last couple of weeks has been refreshing. I left Zambia semi-quietly, faded out of the social media scene for a couple of weeks. It's been nice, but I realize that popping up in Iowa is not as simple - explanations are necessary.
14/07/13
There are many things I want to tell you. I want to tell you that my eating and sleeping habits have become semi-irregular because I have 8 1/2 days left in country, that it's FREAKING ME OUT. I want to post on Facebook that I am the queen of avoidance, that I detest packing. Detest.
I want to tell you that I have a plane ticket taking me to Dar es Salaam, inquiries made in Zanzibar. This will be my first real solo vacation, which feels like a big step for me. I'm craving the solitude, excited to get to know myself during the quiet days on the beach, but my-oh-my am I nervous about doing it alone.
16/07/13
I want to tell you that I have one week left and I'm continuing to freak. Jitters in my bones are discredited as the effects of caffeine and malaria pills; stress and nerves are blatantly ignored.
I've begun to mark my lasts. Last time I visit the falls, last time I buy ripped movies off the street, last time I walk through the markets in Kalomo, last time I have to poop in a cup. My growing catalog of lasts isn't final, I'm sure I'll do many of them again. It is, however, the last time I'll do any of them as who I am here and now, the last time I'll see them and appreciate them in this exact way. It's thrilling - in both positive and negative ways - what I'm wrapping up now, seeing where I'm going next.
19/07/13
I want to tell you - gloat, honestly - that I've narrowed down my schedule for Zanzibar. It seems to be one of those places you can just sow up at, decide your ideal beach on the fly. I, however, am not really an on-the-fly kind of girl. Traveling alone, I'm instead making plans and booking lodges. But don't worry, I'm leaving days to lay on the beach and get to know the Indian Ocean.We haven't met yet; I think I'm going to like her.
I want to tell you that I have a long-standing habit of associating one song with an event in my life and listening to it repeatedly during said event. Leaving Mali, this song was Don't Think Twice by Bob Dylan. Leaving Zambia, the song is The World Ain't Slowing Down by Ellis Paul - leaving on a much happier note, clearly.
21/07/13
I want to tell you that it's my last full day in Zambia. I woke up growling and clutching at the sheets as the bed had morphed into a mechanical bull. Swearing to never drink again (ever), I forced myself to get out of bed and into a day full of last last minute packing and travel. There wasn't a moment for me to think about the significance of it all until Kalomo was a dusty blur out the bus window.
Sitting in my lodge, staring at a hiking backpack that is far too heavy, it's all catching up to me. Tomorrow morning I 'ring out' - officially closing my service with Peace Corps. Not closing , leaving with the intention of re-uping asap, as was the case last year, but actually closing my service. I will not say never, and maybe someday I will return to Peace Corps. But, for now, this is it. That feels pretty big.
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I'm sitting in my Momma's living room, typing this out while also trying to organize and articulate the jumble that my head is (to be honest, I kind of just want to sway to the fuzzy/dizzy feeling I'm getting from my malaria drugs. I hadn't taken them in quite some time but decided to do so just to make sure I didn't get sick while in Vegas. Maybe that's just the jet-lag talking). Filling out customs forms upon leaving Zambia and hopping between other countries, my heart sped up at the lines "occupation" and "country of residence." I didn't think that the passport control officers would accept "drifting" as an answer for either.
Let me say that this is nothing like my return to the states last May. It seems that every time I take another hop between continents, it becomes easier to deal with the shock. The intensity of my emotions upon my unexpected return last May knocked me down, drained my emotional reserves entirely. Now, aside from the excitement over surprising Em & seeing everyone, I've had to search myself for any strong emotional reaction. I am sorry that my time in Zambia went so quickly, saddened to leave people I've grown close to. But at the same time, this just feels right,and I feel ready. I am eternally grateful to Peace Corps for the opportunities they have given me over the last 3 years, and to everyone I worked with during that time for what I've learned & for preparing me for what comes next, whatever that may be (and no, I don't know what's next. Working on it).
As much as I want to leave you all with heartfelt revelations from the last year, I'm going to need time to process things first. I can feel the words in me, they're just a tangled mess rolling around my head. So this is not a goodbye, and I hope you'll keep reading. But right now I have more important things to do - mainly unpacking my giant backpack one last time and washing everything.
p.s. Zanzibar was perfection. If you ever find yourself in East Africa, you really ought to go.
Peace & Love
Elyse
