Long overdue

Oh hello, stranger. Been a lot of radio silence, I know, but hear me out. Or ignore the feels and instead look at the pretty pictures of Petra.

I've been telling myself for the past two months that it's interesting how every time I pack my bags and move somewhere new, it's a little easier. I've refined my tricks for how to get through the long flights, have favorite sites to check for details on my new home. When I pack, it is a little easier to know what (and how much) to take, and when I land in a new place at 2:00 AM it doesn't seem as daunting. It's exciting, of course, and I would be lying if I told you my palm wasn't imprinted with my necklace pendant as I walked through passport control at Queen Alia airport, but it feels far away from the excitement and fear I felt 6 years ago (already?), landing in Duala, Cameroon. And finding the taxi driver taking me to my hostel in Amman was nothing like the relief of throwing my arms around Peter, my new host father and a complete stranger.

There are many places in the world that would feel different from anything I know. Places where those differences stand out like the way sushi feels in your mouth the first time you try it, where your hand is reaching for a journal or a sketch pad before you know to need it, where you meet up with a friend to catch up and accidentally talk for an hour straight, just to attempt to process it all. Amman has not been - for me, at least - one of those places. And so I got caught up in setting patterns and living out those patterns, tracing the daily lines like a spirograph.

My journal acquired a layer of dust, as did this blog. I went to work, took the bus home, made dinner. I went out with friends, explored markets and cafés, reaffirmed my enchantment with living abroad but didn't really dig into it. All of the lights and the sounds, from the innumerable cats, to the muezzin's daily calls to prayer, to the falafel and hummus I consume constantly, were taken in as just part of it all. Which they are, but they're also interesting and different parts that deserve acknowledgment.

The past 2-ish weeks, I've been fine. Not sad or mad or unhappy, for sure, but also not good or content or satisfied - just fine. I've had one hell of a time figuring my head out, knowing that I have so many things going for me right now, but not being able to feel truly appreciative of them and happy about it all for more than short bursts. It was getting to that point where all of the little things irked me, and unmemorable annoyances would stick in my head.

A week ago, I was trying to write a short blog for school about culture, and was coming up blank. As the entry was already past it's due date, all I wanted was to ramble out a couple paragraphs about absolutely anything, but I continued to stare at a blank screen. It was incredibly frustrating and some things may or may not have been thrown across the room, but eventually it dawned on me (more like using flint to light a fire rather than flicking the switch on a lightbulb) that I had nothing to say about culture in Jordan because I wasn't processing it, wasn't allowing myself to truly feel it all.

And that is the short, long-winded description of how we've arrived here. A semi-new month (and almost a new year for me) seemed like a good time to re-evaluate how my actions, intentions, thoughts and emotions were serving me and serving those around me. One of my resolutions is to write more, including to write in this more. A little A lot overdue, but I'm going to start shamelessly posting this link on my facebook again, hopefully writing as much about cats and falafel as feelings (with a healthy dose of public health thrown in).

Peace & Love
Elyse